I still remember that day.
The day when someone told me that something I did (without meaning to) made them feel deeply disappointed. They said it felt like a heavy betrayal. I was shocked. I quickly sent them a whole page of explanations. I thought I might fall apart completely. I couldn’t continue working and had to ask my boss if I could leave early to calm down.
In that moment, I felt like I was the villain.
Three years later.
The same person came back after a long time of no contact. They told me that my honest feedback about a script they wrote made them feel sad and tired. But this time, I wasn’t shocked. I didn’t rush to send long explanations either.
“Don’t take anything personally. If we’re not on the same wavelength, we’re not a good fit. Don’t overthink it.”
That was the only message I sent back. And that was all I did. This time, I didn’t feel like the villain just because someone else was upset.
Because I knew I wasn’t at fault.
Instead, I felt relieved. This time, I could actually remove one unimportant relationship from my life.
My late twenties really helped someone who used to be a people pleaser like me change deeply inside. I learned valuable lessons that helped me stand firm as myself instead of being controlled by others. Two of the most important ones were:
Around us, there are many people who like to play the victim and blame others.
And I am not responsible for other people’s feelings.
You are not responsible for other people’s feelings.
Since I understood this, I felt liberated. I became free. Completely.
Table of Contents
Why We Often Feel Responsible
Feeling responsible for other people’s emotions is ridiculously common for most of us. And honestly? It usually comes from a few predictable reasons:
We tend to want to please others: Because we often want to be liked, accepted, or avoid any conflict.
We grew up in environments that taught us to put other people’s emotions first: If you grew up in a family that taught you to “read other people’s faces to live” hello, most Asian families!), you probably learned that everyone else’s feelings are somehow your job. This culture can make it hard to tell the difference between empathy and responsibility for other people’s moods.
We misunderstand what it means to be a “good” friend, partner, or family member: Many of us mistakenly think that being supportive means shielding others from discomfort or always making them happy. However, real support is about being present and caring, not about controlling their emotional state.
We fear rejection or abandonment: We’re afraid someone might leave us or stop caring about us if we don’t meet their emotional needs. This fear drives us to constantly try to adjust ourselves to make them happy.
We believe we can control other people’s happiness: Plot twist: we can’t. While we can influence situations, each person gets to choose their own reactions. That’s on them, not us.
And Taking Responsibility for Others’ Emotions Only Makes You…
Burned out and emotionally drained: Constantly trying to manage other people’s emotions is exhausting because it’s impossible!
Resentful: You might start feeling frustrated with the very people you’re trying to “fix”.
Lose your authentic self: You end up suppressing your own needs and feelings just to please others.
Codependent: Relationships become unhealthy when one person is always trying to “save” the other.
Block others’ growth: By always stepping in, you prevent others from developing and learning the lessons they need to grow, especially emotionally.
Remember This – What You Are Truly Responsible for Is Only:
Your own actions and behaviors: You’re the only one who gets to control what you do and how you show up in the world.
How you communicate your thoughts and feelings: You’re responsible for expressing what you think and feel in a healthy way. This helps avoid misunderstandings and builds better communication with others.
Setting healthy boundaries: Don’t blame others if they keep treating you the same way over and over. Protecting your space and energy is your job. Set clear limits about what others can and can’t do to you. This helps you stay balanced and protects your mental health.
Treating others with respect and kindness: Don’t let other people’s attitudes decide your attitude. Don’t let others define who you are. Even when you’re treated unfairly, you can still choose to respond politely. And remember, being polite doesn’t mean pleasing them.
Managing your own emotional reactions: While emotions come naturally, how you respond to them is your choice. Learning to control and manage your emotions is an important part of growing up.
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- Detoxing Relationships: 10 Tips to Declutter Your Social Circle
- 9+ Steps to Stop Trying to Fit In and Dare to Be the Real You
5 Steps to Stop Letting Others’ Emotions Control You
Practice active listening without problem-solving. Just be present.
When someone is sharing their emotions with you, just listen with genuine care. Don’t feel like you need to give advice or try to fix their problems right away. Sometimes, what a person needs most is simply to feel heard and understood. Knowing that someone is there with them in that moment. Just being there and showing you care is already incredibly valuable support.
Set clear boundaries
It’s like having your own “safe zone”. You have the right to say “no” when you feel overwhelmed, or “I can’t do this” if it’s beyond your ability. You have the right to refuse requests or situations that might drain you or invade your personal space. This helps you stay balanced and prevents others from taking advantage of you.
Recognise emotional manipulation
Emotional manipulation is a subtle form of psychological abuse where someone uses unhealthy tactics to gain power and control over others. Manipulators often exploit your weaknesses, kindness, or compassion. Their ultimate goal is to make you feel confused, unsure of yourself, or guilty so you’ll give in to what they want.
Pay attention when someone tries to make you feel guilty or responsible for their emotions. For example, they might say things like:
- “If you really cared, you would have…” (guilt-tripping)
- “You made me feel…” (guilt-tripping)
- “After everything I’ve done for you, this is how you treat me?” (guilt-tripping)
- “I’m suffering so much, nobody understands me” (playing victim)
- “If you hadn’t done that, I wouldn’t have…” (blame-shifting)
- …
They might act very sad to get you to do what they want, or make you believe you can’t live without them, or that they’re the only one who can help you. Recognising these “tricks” helps you avoid getting trapped in unnecessary guilt.
Learning to identify and deal with emotional manipulation takes time (yes, it took me over 10 years to learn!), but it’s crucial for protecting ourselves and building healthy relationships based on respect and equality.
When you feel guilty, question why you feel that way
Every time you feel guilty about someone else’s emotions, stop and ask yourself: “Why do I feel this way? Is this really my responsibility?”. Very often, that guilt doesn’t belong to you at all – you’ve just taken it on yourself.
Understand that others’ reactions are their own to manage
Each person needs to take responsibility for their own fears, pain, and anger.
For example, when someone gets upset after receiving feedback, the person responsible for that upset feeling is them, not the person who gave the feedback. They haven’t yet learned how to overcome fears like not being good enough, losing their self-image, or feeling inferior. Realising that negative emotions are their own responsibility, not someone else’s, is the first step for them to learn how to manage and heal their inner wounds.
You can empathise, but you can’t control or be responsible for anyone’s negative emotions. This mindset sets you free.
The Lasting Word
We are not responsible for other people’s feelings.
This is a hard lesson that took me my entire twenties to finally understand.
When I figured it out, I wished I had learned this much sooner.
Of course, a valuable lesson isn’t something you can learn overnight. You need to go through the wringer, sweat and cry many times to recognise a cycle that’s making you miserable, and then decide to change. Firmly decide to change.
Your life will change – not by doing more things, but by stopping the things that don’t matter or aren’t worth it.
Taking responsibility for other people’s feelings is one of those things.
Jasmine.
Frequently Asked Questions
Won’t not taking responsibility for others’ feelings make me seem uncaring or selfish?
Not at all. It doesn’t make you selfish or uncaring to choose not to take responsibility for another person’s feelings. In fact, it helps you maintain a healthy balance and a genuine capacity for empathy. When you’re not constantly trying to “fix” someone else’s emotions, you can listen, offer support, and give advice more genuinely, rather than acting out of pressure or guilt. In the long run, this helps you build bonds that are stronger and more authentic.
If I’m not responsible, then who is responsible for their feelings?
In the end, each person is responsible for their own thoughts and feelings. Emotions such as happiness, sadness, anger, and frustration all come from how we perceive, understand, and respond to things that happen. You might be a trigger for an emotion, but the other person is the one who actively processes and manages that emotion. Realising this helps everyone gain mental control, become more mature, and keep learning how to deal with their own feelings.
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