Facebook sometimes reminds me of old posts I wrote years ago (sure you get these, too). Some were set to “Only me” and weren’t very positive about my work environment when I was 24 or 25. Things like: “I can’t understand how they can behave like that!” or “Why don’t my colleagues have better personalities?” and so on.
I looked at who I am now. And I was a bit surprised to realise that for nearly two years, I haven’t had the habit of moaning about work like before. At least not up to now. No hidden frustrations. No secret annoyances. No issues with relationships between people at the office.
Why? I wondered. Is it because I’ve been lucky enough to find a more civilised workplace, or because I’ve changed myself?
Hmm… I think it’s both.
On the one hand, I’m so grateful that my current company has given me talented, knowledgeable, polite and thoughtful colleagues. Each of them has something that I admire and want to learn from. I believe in the idea of being “on the same wavelength“. Here, working with people who share similar life views and lifestyles, I feel comfortable and can be the closest version to my true self.
On the other hand, I understand why I was always unhappy in my old jobs. None of that unhappiness came from the nature of my work. It all came from cultural clashes and people issues. Those organisations just didn’t “fit” me.
In other words, my frustration and dead ends back then were because I was trying to fit in clothes that didn’t suit me.
See yourself?
I realised that my office trauma back then wasn’t because my old companies were bad. They’re pretty kind, to be honest. It was because I didn’t have the courage to change and make choices “for myself”.
When I felt something wasn’t right in my old jobs, I didn’t have the guts to quit right away and look for a better fit. I used to take offers just because the company had a big name, because my family wanted it, and because society said it was stable and proper for a Vietnamese woman. I chose offers not “for me”, but “for others”.
I tried to change to be like them, to be able to tell the same story as them, but deep down, in the deep deep down – I felt something was wrong. In the end, I couldn’t fit in with those groups. Though on the outside, I always tried to do a good job and (seemed to be) a responsible employee – inside I was full of blame, feeling like a victim and quietly angry. Always feeling like I didn’t belong.
I was a pear. A pear that was trying to fit into an apple tree. The pear was angry at the apple tree for not being like it. The pear wanted the apple tree to change. Well, the apple tree cannot. Because of that, I wasn’t happy in those years.
I’m not saying my current workplace is 100% perfect, but I think it suits me well right now. Proof is that I feel completely at ease with the company culture and can focus fully on my work, with no background noise. I think a workplace or a person that suits you means you don’t have to “try” too hard to change your personality to fit in with them. Everything comes as naturally as breathing, fitting well for both sides. It’s a place, or a person, where you can be the real you, or the closest version of yourself. You’re accepted. You’re included. You have a sense of belonging.
So, stop trying to fit in.
Stop trying to change yourself for others.
The world doesn’t need more clones.
Instead, dare to quit places and people that don’t suit you.
Let yourself be known, be heard, and welcomed. Let your personal identity speak out.
Then, you’ll find your tribe – where you truly belong.
“It’s weird not to be weird.”
– John Lennon
Table of Contents
How to Stop Trying to Fit In and Dare to Be the Real You
1. Know Why You Want to Fit In
We all want to belong. Sometimes, we change ourselves to avoid feeling left out or different. Take a moment to think about why you’re doing this. Is it fear of being alone? Wanting to be liked? Fear of rejection? Low self-esteem? Feel pressured to conform? Understanding the reason can help you make a change.
2. Ask Yourself if This Is the Life You Want
Take a moment to check in with yourself every so often. Does this seem right? Are you really like this? Do you really want this kind of life? They may be tough, but they will help you figure out if you’re living for other people or yourself. Remember that it’s okay if your answers change over time. That’s how you learn more about yourself and grow.
3. Be Kind to Yourself
Take care of yourself, especially when you mess up. Everyone stumbles sometimes.
I must confess that learning to accept myself isn’t always easy. You’ll feel on top of the world and sure of how special you are some days. Other days, doubt might creep in, whispering that you need to change. That’s okay too. Being kind to yourself instead of being hard on yourself is a step forward.
Little by little, you’re becoming the real you. And I have to say, that person is pretty darn special, quirks and all. Keep going.
4. Being Self-Aware Is Key
Self-awareness is key to not fitting in. You can keep an “authenticity journal” where you write down moments about when you felt most like yourself and why. Think about what makes you smile, what excites you, and what you believe in. These things make up the real you. Write them down if it helps. The better you know yourself, the less you’ll want to be someone else.
5. Find Your Tribe
Look for people who like you just as you are. They’re out there, even if it takes time to find them. Join clubs or online groups about things you love. When you’re with the right people, you won’t feel the need to change.
Pay attention to how you feel around others – your true tribe will leave you feeling energized and accepted, not drained or judged. It’s okay to outgrow relationships that no longer serve your authentic self.
6. Set Boundaries
It’s okay to say No to things or people that don’t feel right to you and don’t align with your values or interests. And it’s great to say Yes to things that do, even if others think they’re odd. Each time you do this, you’re being true to yourself. It gets easier as you do it more.
Don’t forget this: setting limits doesn’t mean pushing people away. It means telling people how to treat you and making room for things that truly matter.
7. Stand Up for What You Believe In
What you really think and feel is important. Share them, even if you can’t quite speak clearly. You do not need to fight or be loud. Just calmly say what you think. It might inspire others to do the same.
8. Remember That Being Different and Special Is a Good Thing
Even the people who seem to fit in perfectly are dealing with their own doubts and fears. We’re all just trying our best. Knowing this can help you feel less alone and more accepting of yourself.
9. Be Patient With Yourself
Change takes time. Some days you’ll feel confident. Other days you might struggle. That’s normal. Be kind to yourself through it all. You’re unlearning years of trying to fit in, so give yourself credit for every bit of progress.
The Lasting Word
Not many of us are born feeling sure of ourselves from the start. I’ve been on a long, tough journey, working on myself to be able to write these words to you. I know it’s hard. I know it hurts to let go of fears about not being accepted. But it can’t hurt as much as always trying to fit in with places and people that don’t (or no longer) suit you.
You’re special, and you deserve better connections. Value yourself.
Life is too lovely and too short to waste time on pointless things. Spend your precious time on the right places and right people.
Jasmine.
☕Head to The Quieter for more insightful articles and inspiring stories on mindful living, personal growth and relationships to nurture your mind and soul.
Frequently Asked Questions
Why do people try to fit in?
It feels safer for people to fit in. We like being with other people, and being in a group can make us feel safe and accepted. We worry that if we stand out, people will refuse us or think we’re weird. It’s like putting on a mask to fit in, even though it doesn’t feel right.
What happens when you try to fit in?
You might say or do things you don’t really believe or something you don’t really enjoy. This can make you feel stressed, sad, or even lost over time. As you act like someone else, you might forget who you really are.
